I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Randomize
