My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
