Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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