Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
