Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
