ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
