went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
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Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...