I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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