we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
