Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
