'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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