i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
