I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
operation harelip BJ is a go
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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