So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
