i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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