I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
