i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
