i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
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It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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