see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
