Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
