Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
