This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
