He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
