I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
