You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
