sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
