I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
