Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
