I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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