i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
