I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
