"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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