do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
