I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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