she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
