my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize