i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
