I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
don't judge my taste in strippers
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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