Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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