I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
