so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
