forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
