No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
