finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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