Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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