First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
