Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
