Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just found puke in my bra..
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
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