I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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