Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
