Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
