i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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