i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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