i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
