I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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