I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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