I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
