I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
